So brown eyes I hold you near

so im having issues with the new house, mostly that we have always been in cramped spaces, bedroom wise, where there is only one way our bed will fit and then the dressers just fit in somewhere, well now our room is so big that it looks silly because we dont have enough to fill enough space to make it feel homely, same goes for the rest of the house. I mean its great to have all this space and its al ours, and its all our stuff filling it but right now it just looks silly, it just makes me feel the need to buy things to fill the space with, which is BAD. haha. also ive gotten to the point in unpacking that I quit and i have left tubs and boxes here and there, i mean all the major stuff is out, the house is functional, and i have no motivation to do the rest, mostly because ive been the only one unpacking since james works and i have the week off basically. other than that the house is good, its freedom that we havent had before, we dont have to close the bathroom door if we dont feel like it, i can shower with the door open, and get dressed in the morning without the fear of being naked for too long because someone may walk in at any moment, i can clank around the house at any hour and its all good in the neighborhood! so tomorrow we are going to the old apartment to get the last remaining tid bits, it shall be interesting, his sister had a bit of a freak out which hastened our move out date to a few days early because we were both done with the BS, if it doesnt go her way or if she isnt the center of attention all hell breaks loose. thank goodness they are moving back to san diego in june so life goes back to normal. the thing that pisses me off about her latest freak out was that it was so ridiculous and i shouldve just not even reacted but ive had with her yelling at us all the time over stupid shit, this time it was that i packed up all my baking stuff, like we both had baking powder, i took mine and there were 2 things of vanilla, brown sugar and confectioner sugar, all basically equal in quantity and i took what was mine or one of them. and she barged into our room freaking out about it and james was like well what is in there thats yours and she was like well...and then nothing, and she moved on to her dollar store soaps and cleaning supplies. ugh, and it really pissed me off because the plates were all ours and the shower curtains were ours and i just bought them a few months ago for 8 a piece for 3 so i was gonna buy some paper plates and new curtains for them since they are staying an extra month but F that now, im so done with the whole silly thing. and thats all it was, it was so idiotic and stupid and childish, and it made the move out an unpleasant experience. luckily they went to bar harbor that day and were gone for a few days so we were able to just pack up and move out the next day without her hovering over us and giving us shit...thus why having our own place is so amazing and liberating. i dont even know why i just ranted on about that, its done and way over with, i just wanted to vent it out because we will see them tomorrow im sure and have to deal with some form of silly childish bs, im sure. maybe its just some case of "i just had a baby 10 months ago so my mind is F-ed up/bridezilla episode" what ever it is im glad i dont have to deal with it anymore. plus she steals ideas of mine and everyone elses. and i in no way am trying to be like yeah im so cool everyone wants to be like me or something silly, i do what i want to do and dont really put that kind of input into it. but like with wedding stuff, this is one example of MANY, so its not like coinicidence(sp?) where it happens once or twice. so we were talking about honeymoons and i told her how we want to go to greeceand travel around europe for ours and she was like no way we want to go somewhere on a beach and relax after that whole stressful experience. so cool right, then idk maybe a week or two later she is all about going to greece and all about traveling because why pay money to go to a beach when they will live on one. ugh its that and i told her the colors we wanted and then miraculously she wants the same ones, course she is getting married first so it looks like her idea, but you know what it doesnt matter anymore because after some serious number crunching on the NY and ME ends weve decided to F it and just get married in athens and bring like 16 people and so yeah and it will be cheaper and way more fun and magical. its like with her baby too, i told her how i wanted to make my own baby food when i have mine and low and behold she starts making her own baby food, and how i wanted to teach my kids signs as babies, and then shes all into it and starts doing it, even tho im the one that signs with kids every freaking day, also she does some of the wrong lol. but it just makes me irritated because it looks like shes coming up with it all on her own and what a good mommy, even though she knew notyhing about babies and asked me a lot of stuff and she even thought that the safest place for the car seat was on the passenger side and uh no, i had to tell her that the safest place is in the middle, uh yeah cuz you know you \never get hit on the passenger side, youre right.... ok ok im done with this silly and yes childish rant, i feel better, getting all the bs off my chest. ill prolly feel kinda bitchy and self loathing in the morning about it but its ok. im done with it, its written and im done haha.

ok so I work through a nanny agency, mostly for summers when i find myself jobless because school is out. So this year has been particularly tough, a lot of people looking for jobs, not a lot of people looking for nannies. Well so ive been doing like on call stuff, mostly for families that are here on vacation. so i got one for a few days with a family, and i went and did my thing and so the house is a summer house, more like a summer mansion!! and so i could they were loaded, not just by the ring on her finger the size of kentucky but just yeah. so i google them when i get home so see what the deal is and his father founded aflac and he now the oco and president of the damn company!!! INSANE!!! he is worth 8 million in like stocks. im babysitting a millionaires children! my christ!!! ok im done, im just in disbelief!! and i show in a red sox shirt. christ

So James got a teaching job in Sanford, so we are moving to Sanford. We found a great, big place.. with heat INCLUDED!! Thank god! But my favorite part is that this will be our first place together, just the 2 of us and our 2 cats. It is very exciting. We are planning on staying there for a few years, so it will really be like a home for us. If we are there long enough that we get married and then later have a baby there is even an extra bedroom for that!

so lets see, we dont live at james parents anymore, thank goodness, we moved at the end of august into a massive apartment. i think we have more square footage than his parents. its really big, 3 bedrooms plus and office or 4th bedroom, we use it as an office, deck, 2 livingrooms, kitchen and pantry. lots of room for 2 kitties and a rambunctous niece to run around in, not that she is running, walking or even crawling yet lol.. we live with james, his sister boyfriend and almost 5 month old baby girl. my sister just had a little girl in feb so baby girls everywhere, except for us, no babies there, no no. i cant wait until april im going to fly out to NY for a week and a half and spend time with my sister and Adrianna and be auntie. work is good, rough some days but thats how it goes in special ed, good days, rough days. james is busy busy busy, doing all kinds of projects, painting the cafe at his elementary school with a group of kids, working on a comic as an illustrator, and producing an independant movie that a production company in NY is funding so hopefully it pans out well in the next year or two with that. but its in the beginning now just sketching out storyboards and such. so yeah busy! but its a really exciting time for us too. i hope the movie thing goes well for james, maybe youll see it at cannes! hes also learning some covers with his band, a first for them and working on a second album, so with him being busy its allowed me to work on small projects and get things together and whatnot so its good. i have spring fever really bad right now and i keep trying to do some spring cleaning and ive been organizing things, cleaning and throwing tons of stuff away, it always feels good to "declutter" things for me.

there are days where i hate my life haha... like being finicially screwed and living with my boyfriend and his whole family. and my job offers me no satisfaction, i dont feel like im contributing enough, i mean those kids will end up the way they will not because of one summer with their nanny. but i still try to make a difference. but this is just a small, yucky unpleasant chapter in my life. and it will pass and ill make it through and ill live but there are days where i feel like it would bring me great joy to let angry elephants, bulls and rhinos trample the place to the ground while i sit in a lawn chair sipping a drink and chuckling to myself! haha but see even though things are not the way i would entirely like them to be, i am still really lucky. there are people living in worse scualor than i can even imagine, have no money, no food, water, or anyone to care for them and love them, and here i am with an incredible and loving boyfriend who loves me more than anything and 2 little kitties that make us laugh all day long, and loving family, and what seems like no money but we have enough, and a home and food. its not so bad when you think about it, but its hard to remember that other people have it worse than you when you are angry and hate your life for a minute and think you have it so rough. its silly really. we all have it so easy. we just fuck it up for ourselves. we are giving opportunity after opportunity but its up to us and us alone to take the risk, the leap no one else can do it for us or make us do it. we can do anything in our society and most of the time people make a mockery of it. get off on the wrong foot. i do feel really lucky, i have everything i could ask for right now, and i have dreams and hopes and i know that some will come true, not all but they can if i really want them to, i want to get married, have kids and have a home and i will someday, i want to be a teacher but i also want to have a ranch type place and have horses, and babies running around and live a simple life as a potter or photographer. i think ill try to do photography during the summers when im a teacher as some extra summer income and to give me a "job" for the summer since teachers get paid during the summers and just to satisfy myself, do it because i love it. and i can take pictures, spend time with my loves, james our babies. fun fun. we're actually having a lot of fun planning our wedding, we arent engaged yet but james said it will be within the next year so im looking forward to that!! but every once in a while we talk about what we want and cake, colors, places, flowers, its fun. we both enjoy it and its nice that he cares too. and he should its his wedding too hahah. eeee i cant wait!!!

this has been one sleep deprived/ very cranky jess week. i barely got any sleep sunday night and was up from 3am on and i usually have to get up at 530 for work so that was f-ing delightful. crappy boyfriend-card playing until 430am crap-drunk boyfriend crap. monday was not enjoyable lets just say that. lst night i could not sleep until 1 and slept very poorly. so its just a week of bad sleep thus far. today i had to work from 7-430... with not even a 5 second break. bitches. being a nanny is not all its cracked up to be. rich people DO NOT know how to parent.. if i hear "do you want a cookie" one more time when the kid is having a "moment" im gonna loose it. plus she feeds them as much as a grow man would eat in a whole day in the 6 hours im there. like breakfast 2 muffins, little cereal like cheerios, a bagel. for one child, and more if she feels like he doesnt have enough food. lunch, after nonstop snakcing, bagel here, rice cake there, eating every 30 minutes or so its lunch half of a pizza like im thinking 10-14 inch pizza and a bagel and more if he needs. my god. food is not how you control your children!! ok


so yeah. james and i are the black sheep of the family and we do nothing right and get blamed for things that we havent done, but stupid stuff bc his parents have serious ocd behaviors and they're crazy but i bet if we were runners or pregnant life would be wonderful like it is for everyone else here. ridiculous

this summer doesnt even feel like summer to me. i havent gone to the beach and swam or layed out, worn a tank top, skirt, i dont know. i dont know. i only see james for like an hour and a half tops most days and that in its self sucks. i go to work, come home, eat lunch with him and he leaves for work and im stuck here feeling like i serve no purpose. and im not really, im not engaged, getting married, pregnant. nothing. i serve no use to them. so im ignored lol. i live with 6 other people. 7 people living in one house is the hardest thing. i just want to relax and spend time with james and sometimes alone but its hard to do. it sucks when we only have 90 minutes to see each other for the day but everyone else needs him for something. its tough. and mostly they make me feel horrible about myself. im sorry that james and i arent rail thin and im tired of them saying that we should work out or that we eat unhealthily, even tho its ok for them to sit and eat half a bag of potato chips. we dont even eat chips but whatev. its just tiring and incredibly hurtful. its like you cant eat anything without feeling like your being scrutinized. sure james and i should and want to lose a few pounds but its not like we are ENORMOUS, we're average really and it sucks living here because they say horrible hurtful things. it would be easier if i was like my sister and was 5'4 weighed 100 pounds but im not. and i know they wish i was like that. you cant be worth anything or pretty if you arent skinny in this house. i wish they would just lay off about it. i also feel like im not even useful being here, like james sister is here and so like his mom doesnt really talk to me like she used to, just passing by one liners, i just wish she would talk to me more again, but im not important, her daughter or pregnant so whatever it prolly wont matter when i am anyways. i think when i actually get pregnant i will actually want to move back to NY just to have someone around who cares about the fact that im there and having a baby and whatnot. its to the point where i just want to move back to NY.. tomorrow. i hate having them affect me and make me feel like shit. blahh

so we are going on our trip and it worked out so yeah. i cant wait to go and get a break. today was the last full day of school and the morning kindergarteners are done now. so thats good.

so yesturday they said something along the lines of cant wail til your sister comes and gets you eating healthy. mr ill just eat processed food. james and i eat veggies with almost every single dinner, we eat meat that we grill, rice, fruit. we dont eat processed food and we buy organic food and we eat really healthy i think. so whatever lol

so lately ive been having all these crazy thoughts, maybe because its summer and well its supposed to be warm lol but idk ive just had all these insane ideas and thoughts and i cant explain it i just hope it passes soon lol..

im soo pissed and whatever, i really want to cry. this isnt fair and it makes me mad that james isnt even supporting me as much as i want him too on this. so for this whole year we knew my sister was graduating and in the fall we all decided what to do about her party and graduation. so we planned for her party to be the day before so i could be there and ive planned always the whole year to go early and spend time with my family because i havent seen them since thanksgiving. so now that his sister is pregnant and has decided that she has to move to maine by july 1 WE have been volunteered to drive her car from michigan to maine, because she cant drive. whatever. fine. so now we have to cut the trip short to like just 2 days basically and no one here cares about the fact that i dont want to even go and get her car its not important to me, i want to spend time with my family that i never ever. so it just makes me really upset because they are like well what days do you HAVE to be there? it doesnt matter i want to see them i never see them and now its like it doesnt matter. like just now if you guys dont want to be there for the graduation... ok yeah i dont want to see my sister graduate. i want to be there for both.. this whole thing is only happening because shes pregnant... everything is because shes fucking pregnant. this is not fair to me i want to see my family and now its like an inconvience to them because I HAVE PLANS already.... i fucking hate this, them sometimes. its so not fair. its like my family and my plans dont even matter to any of them. and you know im glad that his sister is pregnant and all its nice and exciting but his parents are making me hate the fact. we have cats and its not good for her bc shes pregnant.. everything is because shes pregnant blah blah blah. idk this just sucks and its sooo not fair and its like they dont even get it!! they dont care that i havent seen them and i hardly ever do and i want to spend time with them. you know its been a rough few months my moms house burned dowm in april and they lost everything and i want to spend time with them and esp my sister bc shes been having a rough time. but they dont care. i dont even want to do this get her car shit. omg so now they just said that because shes coming they are going to put her in chris's room and he can hey he can sleep in your guys room! hey yeah bc we want to have ZERO fucking privacy. fucking jerks. i hate this place. i cant wait to get out of here.

james' sister is having a little girl!!! i had a gut feeling it was going to be a boy. but im glad it will be a girl! i bet she will be the cutest damn thing! i hope they name her something cute!

hopefully they dont name her Amelia because that is what james and i both want to name our someday daughter, hopefully we have one because we both LOVE that name! so hopefully they dont think of it. one of my friends who is due a month before his sister thought of it, she liked Amelia Kate, but they have picked something else. but i adore the name amelia, call her Lia maybe.. someday...

so from now on im just going to use this livejournal as a venting system.. short little quips about my...ordeals..

so keeping with the venting

i eat meat!!! ok i dont eat BEEF...there is more than beef for meat. i eat pork and chicken ok!!! if hear one more time " we're a family of meat eaters" we eat meat, we love our meat, " blah blah blah. ok beef is like the only meat i dont eat, but i DO eat meat!!! for f's sake!!!

oh and i just have a cold... im not allergic to james and my cats... ive had cats my whole life, im not allergic i have a COLD!!!! just because james is allergic and you think everyone else is as well doesnt mean i am. ok

oh and the REASON james sounds horrible is because you have forced us to keep our 2 cats in our room at all damn times, and hes allergic tot hem and has asthma... ok so he does really well with the cats surprisingly, but he did better at our old apartment that was BIGGER than the entire first floor of this house! so yeah thats why he always sounds horrible and stuffed up. its because of your animal hating paranoid ways!!!

there. much better.

ok but seriously i love his family but omg, living with your bf/gfs family is no walk in the park esp when they are raving lunatics... i love them they just drive me absolutely INSANE!

UGHHH are you kidding me!! ok i dont want to be like everyone else, i dont want to be a runner and have it run my life and have you run my life....ok!!! i will not conform!! and just because james is diabetic does not mean that he cant have sugar and you know what he can take care of himself and if he cant then i can and do. ok, enough omg i swear to god im going to loose my cool.... its only been a week.... oh fun, delightful, omg, ive condemned myself to hell.


sorry i just needed to vent a little!!!! alright i feel better

so lets see... right now its flooding outside my house which is actually kinda scary, my road was under water yesterday. i just want it to stop raining and get nice out SOON!!!

i had my birthday a few weeks ago. it was different. i was sick the weekend before, and my birthday was on a tuesday, so monday i stayed home to rest up, and james got up and did his routine and left and then called later to say he would be having lunch late and would be home around 1230 instead of 1130- he usually eats lunch at home, so he comes home and eats and leaves and meanwhile im in bed eating some soup, its about 115, school gets out at 230 and in he walks and yells surprise with flowers and presents in hand!- and yet it is monday... my birthday was the next day and why was he not at work!!! i was stunned! shocked! turns out the little shit took the whole day off and went about an hour north to get these strawberries i had been talking about ever since i saw them on the food network thing where they came to maine, eminger berries.. look them up... they are HUGE and INCREDIBLE!! so the birthday was great, even if i was sick and it was a day early, and and one of the presents were tea candles in heart shaped glass things from things remembered and it had a little key chain with the initials JEH on it, Jessica Evelyn Harmon. and the card he got me was a to my wife card so for a TINY second i was like wait is there gonna be a ring in this equation but then i remembered the i do the finances and no there wasnt a ring in the equation because i would know about it lol. but nevertheless it was a fun birthday.

we are getting ready to move out at the end of may... into james' parents, for the summer... maybe the fall too if i can handle it, because we wont have to pay rent and will be able to save a TON of money and we are hoping james will get a english teaching job and then we plan to either rent or buy a house- somewhere. so thats that.

james' sister is gonna have a BABY!!!! we are sooooooo excited!!!! and it takes the pressure off of us lol. his mom was DYING to be a gramma!! so we are all sooo excited were gonna be an aunt and uncle!! the baby is due in october! they might move to maine too i hope! i want to see the baby all the time!! so hopefully he can get a teaching job in maine and they can move here if only for 2 years.. its gonna be so great having a little baby around. james and i both want kids bad anyways so this will be nice since we dont forsee kids for like 4 years, figure getting married in 2 1/2ish then settle then kids so 4 years sounds good then maybe a move to virginia who knows.. but YAY for the new baby!!!

my sister is graduating in june so we are going to NY for a few days which will be nice since i havent seen my family since thanksgiving!!!! i miss them!

that is for now

today was a snow day, which i really needed. work is so ridiculous right now. my supervisor left work, like a month ago, due to, well they arent telling us but were assuming nervous breakdown sort of thing, lovely. this person has like 90 some sick days so its a crap shoot because they cant fire this person, they cant hire a long term sub either because they are technicially on sick leave. did i mention they are the special ed teacher, in charge of the whole program and it has been handed over to the 3 of us, the speech therapist( who has her own job to do but stays until like 8 at night just getting stuff done for both programs). its ridiculous and illegal. bc we work with special ed kids, some of them need one on one all the time, and some of them arent even getting anything, especially the little guy i worked with because he is the most capable of being left on his own-ie not the spitting, pinching nonverbal child, not the deaf child, so hes been pushed to the back burner which pisses me off, all the work i did with him is probably lost, and now they need all this data to submit and are realizing they havent got any so im running into his mainstream class and pulling him to do a crash course on his goals and stuff and its soooo hard on him. the whole thing is bad, they arent telling us anything either which pisses us off even more, and to top it off the one thats been handed the lesson planning part is 8 weeks pregnant and EXHAUSTED as you are when your pregnant so its like omg dont worry about it go home we'll do it tomorrow, bc shes coming in early, staying late and its stupid. they need to hire a new teacher, one that will actually do the job, not one who pulls the kids to do coloring pages in the room so it can be said the child spent their needed time in the spec ed room, ridiculous, how much this person didnt do their job and you can see it in the kids, second graders still on kindergartener level sight words!! it gets more ridiculous every day. but anyways im glad we had a snow day today!

so anyways lets talk about the pregnancy thing, everyone i know is pregnant!!! ok well not everyone but a ton of people are and they are ALL having girls! 3 of the kids i work with have moms that are pregnant, 1 is just pregnant, 2 are having girls- 1 of which are having twin girls- numbers 7 and 8- they also have the autisitic child that pinches, spits, pulls hair, so that will be lovely i can imagine!, 2 girls i work with are pregnant, one 6 months the other 8 weeks, and my cousin is having her forth child, first girl. so its baby mania, and it just makes you want to have one too!!! right, thats a few years away so i just have to live vicariously through them.....

also at the school we have a school email, natually, and there is this odds and ends link where people can post whatever, james has posted shows, people sell things, ask things stuff like that well the other day someone posted that her nephews wedding plans had gone sour and he wanted to sell the rings, the engagement ring and wedding band that he paid 1500 for all together and was selling for 600, but i was like what! the setting that james and i went and picked out a few weekends ago, the engagement ring setting alone, cost 1500. so it would be intersting to see what this ring set looks like and where they got it from. course when i was talking to james about it he j ust said that i have high expectations, which i dont think is true, i think spending a chunck of change on something that youll have forever is a good investment and the ring i picked isnt like the ones everyone else has, its different and i like that, so its a little steep, thats ok whatever.

so next topic.. they opened a whole foods store in portland on valentines day, and omg its incredible its not a grocery store its an entire frest farmers market/bakery/meat market. incredible, its got an incredible selection of organic fruits, veggies, dairy, everything, tons of fish which we love, tons of fresh meats, and 28 different sausages that they make which makes james overjoyed, a great bakery with tons of fresh organic breads and a gourmet dessert place, a little gourmet chocolate place in the middle with all kinds of yummy looking chocolates, it has a pizza place, sushi, coffee, its ridiculous, and the prices are great. so its our new grocery store for most of our stuff. james and i are really trying to get into the whole organic thing, trying to buy as much of what we eat organic as we can. its nice, it makes you feel good to know that your food is local and fresh and not produced with chemicals and pesticides. i want to get a good juicer in the near future, bc it takes your body less time to digest the juice than it does the whole carrot or whatever so thats good and then i can consume more fruits and veggies than i do now, not to say i dont eat th em now bc i do we eat pretty healthy as it is. i just want to step it up a notch and go as organic as we can. i mean as far as the future goes, i want my kids to eat organic baby food and foods in general, its scary to think whats in foods and on them. yuck

so thats it, going organic, work is a zoo and everyone around me is having a baby, except for me,naturally lol

james and i have been on vacation this week. for me this means no work or school, which is nice. that whole work- school thing gets confusing because i work in a school and i go to school so saying that school is cancelled turns into a big mess lol.

the week has been good and very much needed seeing as how my supervisor has been out for the whole month leaving me to be with the most difficult child in the program, the pinching, spitting, screaming one. luckily the child is only an AM kindergartener or else i may have had a nervous breakdown myself. but its ok hopefully my boss will be back soon and i can go back to normal on the stress levels.

i got a new car, brand new. and on friday, the last day of work i go out to my car at the end of the day and one of the parents is parked next to me, in an illegal space mind you, and tells me that when she went to get out the wind caught her door and banged into mine. nice way to start vacation huh. its not too bad and im not paying to get it fixed clearly as it was not my fault and i was perfectly nice to her, as i know her son and work in his classroom sometimes and had actually helped the poor little guy out not more than an hour before when he was crying in the classroom bc he had lost his book buddies log. but still quite angry about new 3 week old car getting banged into even tho it will be fixed.. angry...

other than that im still living with james and our 2 roommates and our 2 little monstrous kitties that raise hell all night long with there jingling collars. mostly its lennox the boy kitten, lola is a sweetheart and if you fake cry she will rush in and climb right up on you and get in your face to see if you are ok, its adorable. lennox only uses us for loves and food, hes a whore.

our lease is up in may, and we have no idea where we will go, stay here..eh, get our own place is what we want but we dont know if we can afford something, especially something half way as gorgeous as this place, that allows 2 kitties and isnt carpeted- for james allergies to the kitties lol... ugh and he keeps saying we will have to move in with his parents for a while, and i love them they are great they are my in laws to be in the future but living there again is not something i feel like doing. ive been the mother of the house and i cant go back to being the kid, having someone fuss over me and mostly the whole privacy thing.... its not working for me, and i will find something else for us.....hopefully. we did see a small little house for sale but i dont think we could A get approved for a loan at this point, and B we couldnt afford it. hopefully james will be teaching provisionally in the fall, i hope i hope i hope, that way we can actually save some money for a house and dun dun dun a WEDDING.... but first come some real teaching jobs with teachers salaries and then a house and then the wedding. we both want to get married, but we cant afford it so right now its looking like fall 2009, which is perfect and exciting!!!! first we have to pay of some credit cards, and then maybe the money will start piling up.... right....

i miss my family these days too, i dont get to see them until june when we go down for a while because my sister is graduating high school and were gonna be there for that and they are doing her party the day before so we can be there for both which is really nice of them. its gonna be fun i cant wait to go shopping and get her some really fun college stuff...

thats all for now...

today was the first day back at work after an 11 day vacation, and i thought it was going to be awful, kids running rampant all day, but i think they were just as tired as we all were, so that was nice. low point of the day was when one of the second graders told me she was sick so i had her finish her paper first bc she has a habit of doing that in the afternoon, the whole im tired, sick etc. so i helped her then told her she could go to the nurses and lay down bc she said her head hurt. so she leaves then comes back a few minutes later and shows me her puke covered hand and tells me she got sick, poor kiddo.

so christmas vacation was fun, it was nice to sleep in for 11 days. christmas was fun, i got some fun goodies, new shoes, some awesome movies, new fuzzy slippers!!, pretty diamond earrings and 2 wicked cute kittens. we got them a couple days before xmas, they are so much fun, Lennox and Lola. lennox is all black and 4 months old and lola is called a tortoise shell, shes black with brown on her, shes pretty and shes 6 months old. lennox looks like an alien he has HUGE ears and orb looking eyes, hes a pretty guy tho. its so much fun having them around. and they are indoor cats so we had to get some air purifiers bc james is allergic but hes been really good and we even have them sleep on our bed with the door open alittle some nights. so im glad its working out so far. its funny how different they are too like lola could care less about people food, doesnt really care for any of it, but lennox goes manic for it if he sees or smells it, thus making him the naughty one bc he likes to get up on the counters and raise hell. and he is magic, he opened the toaster over door, the dishwasher door and a bedroom door that was completely shut tight, so i dont know how he does it, hes just magic, but oh so cute.

tomorrow is my babys 23 birthday!!! hes getting to be an old man. tomorrow also means that it is 3 months exactly until my 22 birthday. i cant wait for tomorrow tho its gonna be so much fun!!!

my mom called me friday late afternoon to tell me that i should think about coming home to see my meme-my great grama, because she wasnt doing very well and they didnt know how long she had, so we dropped everything, threw some things together and left, and got there at alittle after 3am, after sleeping in some we went and saw her in the afternoon, and some of my other family was there too. after we left and got back home in maine at 1 my mom called this morning at 5 to tell us she passed away. im so glad i got to say goodbye to her. i dont know what our family will do she was the backbone that held everyone so close and i miss her incredibly but she wouldve hated to stay that way for any longer so im glad for her sake for that part. but i miss her so much, and i cant sleep now, and my mind is racing with all the things i need to get done and to get back out there ASAP, i feel numb, like i cant believe my meme is gone, she was the strongest, bravest, most loving, wonderful woman ive ever met. she will never be forgotten by anyone that knew her.

i think i have a online shopping problem with LL Bean... i ordered Kortni and Karis packpacks with their names on them for xmas and korts came today and its soooo cute and i just cant stop looking and attempting to buy stuff, and sadly this computer is not cooperating and i cant get to that page to order stuff or else i would spent too much on a bunch of great, did i mention, on sale stuff!!! and the great thing is, is that i manage the check book and james never really knows what im buying, which will work in my favor for xmas shopping but wont for him bc ill be like why did you spend 200 at such and such.... hmm it will be interesting to see how that works out lol...

i cant wait for christmas!!!! there is some good and exciting stuff i want for xmas this year, so im anxious to see what happens!!!.. im also excited that i get to do xmas with my family while im there for thanksgiving !!! its like 2 xmas's!!! i have most of my family xmas shopping done which is really nice

ugh the kids at work today were out of control, one kindergarteners cut another little boys hand with scissors in art this morning so that was fun, then they were all just not listening and had ants in their pants, and the second graders whom im with in the afternoons werent listening well either...and my little 2nd grade girl was crying earlier that day, she has been doing that for the last 2 weeks just breaking down and having tantrums-kinda... but so ive worked out a get a sticker if we have a good day plan which works for me bc shes has been moderating her behavior if i tell her to remember that shes working toward something, so thats working for me, for the moment...we'll see...

eh im exhausted.. and i need to go work on fillng 6 hours of after school time with parent teacher conferences that ill attend and the work ill be doing in november and making a chart...blahhhh

today i feel so unhappy and depressed and its just getting worse as the day goes on... work was fine, and then i get home and im just not happy. i mean this week went by fast but i havent really been able to spend any time with james, tuesday he worked both jobs and got home at midnight, wednesday he had off but i was in class til 930 and i got home and was exhausted and was asleep like an hour later, thursday and today he worked both jobs so we get like an hour and a half most of which is him napping because hes over worked, then hes working sat and sunday and having band practices both days, so from tuesday on ive barely seen him and i wont have any kind of real time with him until idk maybe a couple of hours on tuesday before my class, if not then friday after work...it just sucks and it makes me miserable bc i want to see him and spend time with him. this whole living situation sometimes doesnt feel ok with me, i basically get to clean up after 3 20something guys, james included because while he puts his dishes in the dishwasher, i still have to clean up his dirty clothes from the floor bc the laundry basket 2 feet away is too much of a hassel and hes a clutter bug so theres stuff everywhere and it drives me crazy. i sometimes wish that we just decided to live alone together, just the 2 of us bc the added pressure and stress of living with 2 other people puts an awful amount of stress on our relationship bc we complain to each other and it stresses us out sometimes. and its just hard to work on our relationship when we are stuck and often cranky about having to clean up after 2 other people, and i like those guys and theyre fun to live with but it just hurts james and my relationship at times and thats not right. and ive just been under soooo much stress, lots of homework and the only time i have to do it is on the weekend, but its hard bc im tired and stressed from the week so i just want to relax and have me time and not have to do work every second. and i just dont have enough relax time and me time and james and me time and i jut cant do it anymore, i feel like i need to change something. i feel like i need a lot of things to change. i want the boys i live with to just try and take the garbage out and load, run and unload the dishwasher when needed and to just do it, bc i feel sooo burnt out on doing everything so wonder i cant stop myself from crying today.

and i really miss my family i havent seen them much since i moved here and not since the first weekend in august and i wont again until thanksgiving and then after that the only time again before summer would be february and i just miss them and i really want to see my family, your family makes you feel safe and strong and i need that... well i need it today thats for sure. im just a basket case today. i think everything is just catching up with me and im stretched too thin


i dont know i guess ill ride out the weekend and see how it goes and see how next week goes but it cant stay the way it is right now, its just wearing me out and its not fun and its making me miserable at times and its not working, so some things need to change around here i think. i cant live like this for the next 2 years with 3 boys, work full time and school full time. i wish i was done with school and just a teacher and could come home at 230-3 everyday and then be done, not have to run off to class. not that im saying teaching is easy bc its not, the work stresses you out the kids can be AWFUL and whatnot but its fun and its over so early in the day that you have time to have a life and relax. i think i want to move out of maine after im done with school, conneticut, NY, NJ, PA and delaware are all NOWAYS... but either way, i think maine just has too much conflict for us. somewhere where neither of our families are and somewhere where we dont know anyone would be equal and fair, not me in maine with his family and all the people he knows. its hard when he can drive 20 minutes to see his family and i cant do that, i really miss them!

i think im getting all kinds of allergies, like to either the new detergent i tried or to the material in the new pants i got, but either way its not fun, and work is fun but sometimes i feel like im just being someones bitch and school- i never want to go bc by time i get home from work its like ugh i just want to sit down for 5 minutes. and after yesturday, i dont think james and i will be staying in saco forever like we were thinking we could.. i mean this town doesnt even have a public high school, how messed up is that, they have 3 private ones and the only public one is a transitional program, its not even a real high school and i dont think its fair to ship your kids off to the next town their freshman year just so they can go to public school... but so yeah.. now im trying to figure out where i would like to live and make plans to move there in a year or 2....

in other news.. i need a new car, i just want mine to make it to jan- march so i can get one, bc i cant even get it inspected bc it has a crack in the top passanger side of the windshield... ugh...

james had a show at the strip club last night and after they were done we went to the strip club part of it - they were in the rock club.. and they have a thing called shower shows, and basically 2 girls in their g strings only rub on each other and play with ice cubes and basically make it look like they are having sex with each other and are going down on each other and then they get into this shower they have set up and continue this,.... i dont think that its even legal but its crazy, its nasty to see old guys drooling over it too... i didnt really care for it bc its kinda lame.

ugh tomorrow is friday thank god!!!!